navigatorsnorth

 i’ve been avoiding thinking about it for weeks. but it’s done it’s happened she’s gone now. moved interstate and far away and i didn’t cry this morning but it was a very near thing.

and i know that the internet is a thing and texting and all of that but it hurts. it hurts that i can’t just go over and sprawl on her bed and talk about books or watch youtube or just be.

And I know that there’s other people still around but there’s not that many anymore and my two most precious people are gone a nd far away and the loneliness is crushing.

and my sister doesn’t understand when i try to tell her because ‘you have other friends’ and ‘why don’t you just go out with them more?’ and she just doesn’t get it. 

and i want to shake her and make her understand that it’s not the same and that some friendships are interchangeable but these ones are not. i can’t just sub someone else in and pretend that fixes it. because i have no on left here with that same sort of depth and history and ‘it’s ok we don’t need to do anything when we hang out we can just be.’

because all of those others need words and sometimes i just want quiet but now the silence is too loud.

i’m lonely

Because sometimes you want to articulate why you've run out of words but you can't because that is the entire point. Except that that's not quite it, because the words are there, or some of them are, but you don't want to string them together because what you need right now is quiet and even just sorting them out in your head is too much noise. So you just draw instead because art is quiet and who needs words anyway.

The library is nice at this time of morning, just books and mostly silence. It is not as calm or as quiet as the Stacks, but it's what I've got.

I'm sitting by the windows, trying to relax, to be calm. It's kind of working? I want more books, but if I actually venture into the shelves it will just leave me frustrated and angry. Better to come here in a mood to browse than to be seeking something in particular. Going to the library shouldn't make me tense and yet this one always does.

All of my quiet spaces are filling with noise. Even at home during the day when it is just me. There's so much building going on around that I can hardly hear myself think.

I need to leave soon. 

I have things to do today. Job application things. Time to tear off more tiny pieces of my soil and throw them into the wind. Limbo is slowly killing me.

Theoretically, I have an approximately one in three chance of getting the job. Practically, I have no idea how many geologists they are interviewing. I know that they are five of the fifty five jobs on offer, and that about one hundred and forty people are going to the testing centre stage.

I got landed with a bit of a dud in the second part of the group activity, but I think I made it work. One of the other girls said we were better than the other groups. It wasn't his fault really, it's just that his comprehension of the subject matter was not great, but he still had to do half the presentation.

I think I gave good examples in the behavioural interview. I hope I wasn't too hand flappy.

I am also hyper aware of the fact that I use "so" as a verbal filler because Mum hates "um" so much. I make the substitution but I don't think I use it any less. I hope it wasn't too noticeable.

The other people seemed nice. I'm glad I didn't end up the only girl in pants. My hair is being ridiculous now, but it was okay when I left home. There were one or two feral white boy ponytails, and mine looked more presentable than that.

I just missed the train issues on the way in (the joys of travelling with shittyrail). Thank goodness for crossing the platform to a city circle trains.

Hopefully this one will be the one. I'm growing tired of tearing off a piece of my soul for every new application.

I know that they never said it was going to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be like this. I feel frayed and tired, and I am so, so over limbo.

Hello dreamwidth.

I took Lex to the dog park today. We were only there for ten minutes,nd then we left and went for a walk instead. There were other people there with dogs when we got there, and that was fine.

And then these two guys turned up to visit their friend who was already there with her dog. And that was not fine.

Beagle dork is a good judge of character, and will usually go up to people who come in, even if she won't always let them touch her. She is a friendly creature, and most people who come to the dog park are good, friendly people.

As soon as this guy came in she was barking at him, hackles up. She barked at him if he came towards her, or towards any of the other dogs. I wasn't getting any sort of weird vibes off the guy beyond his hipster haircut, picnic-blanket-as-cape and zOMG SO RANDOM!!1! -ness, but Lex has literally never. done. that. before. I trust her judgement, and with all the shit that's been going on around here lately the last thing I want to do is end up on the news for getting murdered at the park.

So I trusted her judgement and we went for a walk instead.

When we got back around to the park some of the other regulars were there, but so was the lanky hipster with his weird vibes and his picnic blanket. So we went home instead.

I guess this makes as good a first post as any. I don't know quite where I'm headed with this, but it's a personal journal, so it will probably end up mostly full of posts where I talk through  feelings and crap like that. That's what the internet is for, right? Everyone in my real life is disappearing or drifting away, but that is a post for another day.