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There were three days last week when everything had settled and my sleep had gone back to normal and I thought good, I’ve come past the worst of midnight introspection and evertyhing that got stirred up, but nope.

I can’t sleep and my appetite is shot and everything points to low grade stress responses and I can’t quite pin down why. Because it’s not just one thing but a whole load of small things and there’s nothing that I can’t point to specifically and say yes that. 

And last night I went to a party and caught up with some people I haven’t seen for ages and that was good. Except that I stayed too close to midnight and things got heavy and I unloaded a little bit to redman and spidey and we were talking just before i left and I feel bad because I left on a downer but maybe they won’t remember? I just don’t know. And I don’t even know if I want them to remember or not because I’m not sure if I can deal with that.

And so I came home and stared at the ceiling for hours even though I promised L that I wouldn’t. And I can’t keep running on 70% sleep like this and sooner or later I’m going to crash and the thought of doing job applications today makes me want to cry. 

So I’m going to take my sketchbook and my pencils and sit in the sun for a while like a flower and breathe and hope that things will get better soon.