navigatorsnorth: (Default)
The library is nice at this time of morning, just books and mostly silence. It is not as calm or as quiet as the Stacks, but it's what I've got.

I'm sitting by the windows, trying to relax, to be calm. It's kind of working? I want more books, but if I actually venture into the shelves it will just leave me frustrated and angry. Better to come here in a mood to browse than to be seeking something in particular. Going to the library shouldn't make me tense and yet this one always does.

All of my quiet spaces are filling with noise. Even at home during the day when it is just me. There's so much building going on around that I can hardly hear myself think.

I need to leave soon. 

I have things to do today. Job application things. Time to tear off more tiny pieces of my soil and throw them into the wind. Limbo is slowly killing me.
navigatorsnorth: (pic#9059398)
 Everything is fine. Everything is not fine. Everything is not fine but things are better than they were. My coping mechanisms are bollocks and some day it will fall down around my ears.

I am over Thursday/Friday's sudden onset grief spiral at least. The anniversary crept up on me.

On Sunday my mother and grandmother declared that I will never find a man with my current attitude. Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence guys. I'd be happy to find anyone, but I'm not going to change myself for them. Or pretend that I don't have opinions. This is non negotiable (and, according to my grandmother, asking too much). I have other things on my mind right now anyway. Like trying to find a job.

I've got a day of paid teacher's aide work on this week which is good. Next week sometime I should hear about my interview. Low key freaking out about that.

Slightly higher key apprehension about next Monday. I have an entire day of psychometric testing for the James Bond government job. The prospect of spending an entire day being analysed is freaking me out a little.

I hate the idea of people writing things down and talking about me behind my back. Hate it. I know it's completely irrational and literally their job, but still. It puts me on edge something fierce. The other day when I found out about it I was up until 1 am, freaking out at Mori over text. (She also talked me down on Thursday night. What did I ever do to deserve such magnificent friends?).

At least I have the better part of a week to steel myself. I really want this job.

In the meantime I'm just going to continue sketching and pretending that everything is fine.
navigatorsnorth: (Default)
sometimes i wish
that everything would just...
stop

today was actually mostly ok. i went to mum's school and took photos of the kids for sal. it was good.

and then in the afternoon...
it's like i can feel the entire weight of the future on my shoulders right now.
all the dreams that will probably never be.
all the uncertainty.

it's crushing me.

i just want, i just want, i don't even know anymore.
i am tired.

but right now i need to pick myself up and go face the world, or at least a part of it. because there are people out there who count on me.

i can hardly still my mind long enough to hear myself think.
tomorrow.
tomorrow will be better.
it has to be.

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navigatorsnorth

August 2015

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